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Especially for Parents |
Raising Responsible Children
Parenting is simply the most important task any of us undertake
in our lifetime. God gives us the gift of children. We take
care of them, cherish them, and guide them. We hope they grow up
to contribute positively to their society and live life with
love, wisdom, and honor.
Children need to grow up with love, guidance, and positive
values. Values, among other things, shape the child's character.
And what is more important than the character? A child, who is
accountable for his actions, generally turns out to be a
responsible adult. Learning to take responsibility for our
actions is the very definition of becoming an adult.
Accountability
Here are some every day examples of lack of accountability: If
it is always the other kid's fault, if he drops his clothes on
the floor and you constantly pick them up, if he/she does not
take good care of the toys/belongings and you keep replacing
them, etc. These are all occasions to teach responsibility. Routines
and predictability in the life of children help create a better
environment for developing accountability for children.
Role of the Parents
Obviously there are other influences in the life of the child
that help teach him accountability. Parent's behavior and
how responsibly we conduct ourselves are among the most important
factors.
If we, as adults, act like victims, if we find ourselves blaming
others for our dissatisfactions, most likely our children learn
to do the same. Living life as a victim means that every time
you have a problem, you blame someone else for it. Children
learn to follow that pattern. To look to ourselves for solutions
first and foremost, and then looking outside at what/who can
help solve the problem, take us out of the victim mode.
Taking responsibility for what we are willing to do or not do
about a situation creates power. Blaming others and feeling that
is someone or something else's fault, negates power. Which way of
life do you want to teach your children? |
This article is
published in the May 2004 issue of Familia Latina Magazine. Dr. Mand invites your comments
and questions. Email
parenting@drmandphd.com
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Discipline with love
In the world of parenting, discipline is a very misunderstood
word. Discipline is much broader than punishment. When it comes
to raising children, punishment does not prepare them for life.
The process of effective discipline includes: Clear expectation,
consequences, and follow through.
Clear Expectations: Children naturally like to please
you. They need to know what you expect from them and by when.
For example: "Put your dinner plate in the sink before you start
playing."
Consequences: The child needs to know what will follow if
he misbehaves. Consequences can range from a simple reminder to
taking a variety of privileges away such as TV, video games,
phone time. I do not suggest taking away sports from children to
teach them any sort of lesson.
Follow Through: This is the hardest part. Lack of
time/energy, feelings of guilt, or simply lack of understanding
the importance of "follow through" are often the reasons parents
give me when they don't carry out the consequences. Following
through with your consequences actually creates feelings of
respect for the parent as well as a sense of security, trust and
predictability for the child.
A toddler who is being destructive need not be hit to stop his
behavior. Just remove him from that environment and/or introduce
him to something else that he can focus on. Toddlers are
extremely curious about how the world works. Let us not stifle
their curiosity, let's redirect it.
Fear Versus Respect: There has to be a shift in the thinking that compels parents to
hit or humiliate the child. We do not raise better children by
making them feel insignificant, stupid, or unlovable. Hitting
the child creates fear not respect. Physical punishment is a way
to deal with the parent's frustration at the expense of the well
being of the child.
When you hit a child as a way to discipline him and/or to teach
him a lesson, he learns two major lessons about how the world
operates: "hitting is what people do when they are frustrated",
and "I am considered a bad kid". Anger, helplessness, hate,
humiliation or numbness ("it didn't hurt") generally follow.
Children have to suppress these negative feelings because they
need our love and protection. What follows is called "acting out
behavior." They may start doing poorly in school, hitting other
kids, and/or becoming generally more defiant. Children learn to
respect when they are respected.
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This article is published in the May 2004 issue Familia Latina Magazine. Dr. Mand invites your comments and questions. Email parenting@drmandphd.com
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