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The Psychology of Sexual Affairs
Sexual relations outside of marriage seem to
have been part of the human experience from the beginning of time. Different
cultures, religions, and ethnic groups have referred to it, and
conceptualized it in different ways. Furthermore, society views sexual
relations outside of marriage differently depending on whether it is a man
or a woman who engages in it. In most societies it is accepted that men act
out their sexual urges more readily than women do and therefore there is
less shame connected to desiring sex outside of marriage for men than there
is for women. People have sexual affairs outside of their committed
relationships primarily to satisfy unmet desires which are different for men
and women
A good romantic relationship is very challenging to maintain. There are
various needs that must be understood by both parties such as one's personal
and biological requirements as well as those of the couple as a unit.
Obviously, the more needs/desires are met within the boundaries of the
relationship, the less the necessity to go outside of the relationship. If
the basic necessities of the relationship and the individuals in it are not
properly addressed, human nature takes over and each party will go about
satisfying their desires through various means; one of which is to connect
with someone else emotionally and/or sexually.
Couple's requirements: Once two people connect romantically and create a
union, a new entity is born. This new entity represents many dimensions of
each partner as well as the new characteristics that are unique to the
particular couple. The couple, then, has its own identity and requirements
which have to be acknowledged and nurtured.
Personal/biological needs: These inclinations are fueled by the inner world
of the person. These are the psychological, biological, and individual
factors that make up the uniqueness of each partner. Just as men and women
are different biologically, so are their inner make up. Each sex perceives,
processes, and expresses his/her world in their own unique way. What makes a
male feel like a man and a female a woman is the product of biology,
culture, and societal norms.
Males are generally polygamous in nature and have to exercise restraint in
order to stay sexually with one partner. Anthropological and social studies
confirm that this has been and remains the nature of males. What has
happened to keep that nature in check is partly due to the influence of
religion in the last 5000 years. Religious teachings, especially
Judeo-Christianity, have told men that polygamy is not good for the family
and society at large. Societal norms have been against it; so a boy learns
that once he grows up and makes a commitment, he needs to express his sexual
needs within the committed relationship. In the Western world most men in
serious relationships have learned just that (to keep their sexual
expression within the committed relationship).
Women are generally monogamous by nature and are pulled to attend the 'nest'
and raise the children. Today's women try to do it all, raising a family and
managing a career and often don't feel appreciated. Women are naturally
inclined to feel fulfilled when they are attended to and cherished by their
partners. Women who attempt sexual affairs are often the one's who feel
neglected and/or taken for granted. Generally when women feel good about
their place with their husbands, they will not have sexual affairs even if
their sexual relations with their husbands are not satisfactory. By the time
a woman has chosen to have an affair, her relationship has already suffered
a great deal and will take a lot of work to heal it.
Men on the other hand have sexual affairs more often than women and for
different reasons. Research has shown that about 25% of married couples
experience sexual affairs. A man may have an affair even though he considers
himself happy. An affair for a married man could be due to several reasons;
among them, not being admired, looked up to and/or respected by his wife,
not being able to express his sexual fantasies with his wife, having an
interested woman available, needing to feel more masculine, and being bored
with his married life.
A man's motivation to have an affair generally differs from a woman's. In
general, due to their more polygamous nature and societal acceptance,. men
are quicker to embark on a sexual experience outside of the relationship
than women, and to that extent, men can bounce back to the marriage quicker,
and they are also more willing to heal their original relationship after an
affair.
In my practice, I have worked with a lot of couples over the last 22 years
and found that there are some common themes when it comes to extra marital
affairs. A women views the affair of her husband as betrayal of trust and a
rejection of her femininity, and feels deeply dismayed. Women tend to go
into a depression, internalizing the problem. Men generally externalize
their feelings of hurt and rejection by resorting to some expression of
anger toward their partners.
Awareness of the needs of the self and partner, (sexual and otherwise) and
honoring them will reduce the desire to look elsewhere to get them met. It
is also helpful for women to view sex as a way to share love, excitement,
and adventure in life and not as a duty. men will do better if they let
their partners in on their desires and fantasies as well as to have a deeper
understanding of female sexuality.
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